Kaina

By the time things had been settled in dealing with the interloper in the packlands and she'd managed to talk Starscream into a short walk with her, some of the sweltering heat had let up, though it was by no means cool outside, even here in the shadows of the hanging trees as they strolled lazily along the edge of the water. She'd taken her time, in guiding him eastward toward the placid waters, and determinedly kept the conversation light, both to distract his mind from more stressful, heavy matters... and in a not-entirely-unconscious effort to keep him from taking up the subject they'd been addressing, before Torek's howl had interrupted them. It wasn't that she was upset with him. Far from it, she had definitely enjoyed what had occurred, in those few blissful minutes... and yet, that very enjoyment terrified her. She knew precisely what she'd done; her inability to resist the allure of his touch had encouraged feelings that she had never intended to foster, even if she unquestionably shared those feelings. She'd given him a hope - nay, a belief - that his advances were more than welcome, and where heart and body both did welcome them... her mind was still reeling. Now that her head was clear, she was second-guessing what her heart was telling her, and had told her back in the clearing. She desperately needed time to think! And with that in mind, she had deliberately selected a subject as far from both romance and missing pups as could possibly be imagined. "This weather is for the desert cats. All the rest of us melt. I'd be glad of a good frost, right now."

Starscream & Others

The recent developments with Hutch had reopened wounds that hadn't had the time to fully heal, and put the fate of Sentalia and Sakura back on his mind. Oh, he knew they were dead... but no amount of reason and rationale could fully squelch the meager hope that one of the pups might still be alive, and this was just the sort of thing to rekindle that futile flame. Starscream didn't allow it to get far though, and drove his focus on those that were still alive. For that reason, he'd declined to stray too far from the territory, or to further separate the pack by joining Torek; he needed to be close, in case their was an ambush, or some other emergency at the Aspen Grove. Kaina had chosen the perfect destination for their travels too, by leading him to the Lake, where he was still close to their lands, but far enough away to help clear his mind and set his thoughts straight.

Strolling along the edge of the lake, Starscream's temper began to recede. An ear perked now and then for the sharp yerp! of a startled frog as it leaped from the banks and plunged into the shallow waters, but the alpha was not remotely interested in the little amphibians who were hardly bigger than one of his toes. Slowly, his mind had drifted back to other things, and his loping stride eventually saw him closing the distance between himself and Kaina, until their fur was mingling once again. It was the precursor to his next statement, as he completely bypassed her casual comment, "Kaina, I want to talk to you about something." His voice had gone a little softer, but carried no hesitation or anxiety. The words he spoke were carefully picked and uttered with confidence.

Kaina

As they'd drawn further and further from the grove, some of the stressed stiffness had fallen out of his frame, giving him a freer, easier gait as they approached the peaceful quiet of the water. That had been her purpose in insisting that they return to their stroll, because she knew too well that having the inevitably-unfortunate fate of the pups brought back fresh to the forefront of his mind was a source of unexpressed strain, and she was keen on giving his often-busy mind a little respite from the many tasks before it. That was why she'd chosen a simple, emotionally vacant topic to pursue, with the idea that both of them could use a change of pace... but as much as she'd tried to steer him away from more profound things, the renewed brush of fur against her side evinced even before he spoke that she had not succeeded in distracting him from the one subject she herself was keen to avoid. His words brought a heartsore weariness to her that was born out of the firm belief that there was no happy way for this conversation to end, but at the same time she knew that if he'd drawn his mind back to it now, he would not be dissuaded until he'd had this talk out with her. So she sighed, feeling as though some part of her left her body with her breath, and answered him heavily, "Yes, I... I think I knew that."

Rather than walk closely with him to continue their conversation though, fearful that sensation would once again overcome the sense she had recovered in the last several minutes, she turned and took a new path, away from the water's edge and toward one of the distinguished old trees that bowed out over the lake. Her sudden new course separated her fur from his, and provided that he followed after her toward the tree, he'd soon see her stop short, and turn to face him. The little silver fae seated herself neatly and curled her tail primly around her dainty paws, the position itself gently but firmly forbidding him to draw in and seat himself closely beside her, rather directing him without words to take a place across from her, where they could speak directly. From that position, she composed herself very carefully before she trusted herself to speak again. "Starscream... what happened back there-" She stopped, unable to acknowledge exactly what had passed between them in the clearing, and not just because of the emotions that had been running high in her at the time. She'd been gazing at the middle part of his chest, as was her habit to avoid challenging eye contact around other, more highly-ranked members of the pack, but as she determinedly moved past that stunning halt in her sentence, she made herself hold his gaze. "...that was a mistake. You know that, and I know that. It was entirely inappropriate of a wolf in my position, and I can only imagine what the rest of the pack is thinking right now." Of course, no one had been present to see the two of them pressed together under the baking sun in that remote field, but she knew perfectly well that upon coming to the gathering with Hutch, she had smelled of Starscream, and he of her - far too strongly to be taken as the result of a casual contact. They would suspect something soon enough, if they didn't already, and she was determined to stop this before it went too far. "If I've lead you to believe anything that isn't so, I'm sorry. But things like that-" She stopped again, still showing that uncharacteristic pause as she composed her words. "-that can't happen again, Starscream. If we can't keep to that, it's better I leave the pack altogether."

Starscream & Others

A lesser male might have pursued Kaina and reinforced the close touch despite her purposeful change in path. And if there was anything in her body language that even hinted at flirtation, or perhaps wavering uncertainty, he would have done just that. The fae's intentions were strong though, and her tones portrayed a clear and drastic shift from what she'd displayed in the field. Wisely, the alpha allowed Kaina her space, and stopped himself roughly a foot before her. Where her eyes at first trailed far below his, Scream had his pegged on hers.

"A mistake?" His head quirked ever so slightly to the side, questioning her statement. "I think that's little more than an excuse you're making to cover for the fact that you enjoyed what happened back there. We both did." The alpha folded his hind legs beneath him, bringing his haunches down against the shaded earth. "You regret it, because you fear what the others think? I know you're better than that, Kaina. And if there's something else that's got you backpedaling, surely you trust your alpha enough to tell him?" Starscream straightened his posture, adopting a pose more fitting of his stature, but one that was far from the domineering thing it could be. "..I know what some in the pack think, and yes, I... made a mistake, before. But this is not the same situation that it was with Tay. I am looking for much more than that."

Kaina

"Whether I enjoyed it or not is irrelevant." Her gentle voice got a bit of a harsher edge there, but it was not directed at him necessarily... this was her effort to distance herself from any lingering feelings after what had occurred in the field, while not taking the step of telling him she had not enjoyed it, which would have been a disgracefully-obvious lie. Her gaze met his again, but there was something dark and distressed in the honey eyes now. "There are many things that are otherwise enjoyable that inevitably bring pain to the mind and harm to the soul. Enjoyment of it does not mean it is not still a mistake." Her eyes slipped closed for only a moment, but in that second he would be able to see very clearly that their interlude in the field had impacted her greatly. But equally powerful in her was a fear that ran still more deeply than the feelings that she was still trying to deny, and that fear kept her from throwing caution to the wind and accepting the repeated suggestion that he wanted more than to be simply her friend... more even than a one-time fling. "My trust in my alpha has little to do with this sort of issue. It is not my alpha whom I fear." Her pointed eye contact would make that otherwise-enigmatic comment inescapably clear; it was Starscream that she feared - the growing affection between them that could not be ignored, the knowledge that he'd been extensively faithless to his last mate... that kind of weight between them absolutely terrified Kaina, outside of the very real and profound trust she had in him as an alpha.

She took in a long breath, and let it out again with a shudder that could almost have been mistaken for a chill, if only it hadn't been overly warm, even in the shade of the tree they'd retired beneath. "I know what you want, Star. Perhaps it is more accurate to say that I know what you think you want. But-" Here was a place where she hesitated, not because she was uncertain of what words to use next, but because she had always kept to that unspoken rule. She'd never asked Starscream what had possessed him to mate with Tayzeka, or any of the others before her... or even how many others there had been. She'd noted at one point that none of those relationships had made him happy, but she'd deliberately never spoken of the morality of it, how he'd been fathering pups with other females even while Nachi still lived and breathed. She'd never felt it was her place, and yet... with his desires all too clear to her at this juncture, she could hardly avoid it further, and so she took it up delicately, but not without determination. "Starscream, what happened with Tayzeka... happened while your mate was still living. And there were others before her." Those phrases were so awkward and difficult to say that her eyes fell away from his, and neither they nor her voice came back for several seconds thereafter. When finally she did muster the strength to speak once more, the eye contact was slow in returning. "I have never held it against you because you are my friend, and because I believe that you have value beyond your mistakes." There. She'd managed to meet his gaze again, to support the verity of her statement that he had qualities and strengths that were worthy of loving and respecting, despite his flaws, and it was clear she even felt a bit better about saying that. It could not lift the anxiety from her pretty features though, which remained creased and careworn as she continued. "But that is as your friend, only. If there is to be more involved here... if we're to follow the course of this thing to its natural conclusion, which you are heavily hinting is what you desire... I could not stomach that." For a moment or two, she actually looked as though she felt quite ill too, though that was undoubtedly due to the profound case of nerves that was plaguing her, and to the sickening belief that this conversation could mark the end of her friendship with Starscream. "You and I want different things out of life. That has always been so. And the things that you want, and the things that I want... cannot be reconciled. I don't- share well."

Starscream & Others

Starscream took her words of rejection and the scrutiny of his personal life as well as could be expected of a wolf with a hot temper and little patience for flak. It had a lot to do with her gender of course, and the fact that she was showing no stitch of aggression towards him during all of this. The growing display of anxiety she displayed might have played a part too, yet it wasn't enough to keep Scream from turning his ears out a little when she brought up Nachi, and accused him of further infidelity. "Tayzeka was the only mistake." An indignant rumble hit his voice as he defended himself, "You didn't know Nachi, she... she was not the wolf I thought she was, when we first met." For all that the maddened she-wolf had done to his children and to himself, Starscream could not bring himself to talk ill of her in any great depth, or explain the craving for companionship that had eaten away at him even when Nachi was still alive. It was with effort that he tempered the rumble in his chest, and strove to speak in a calmer manner, "What happened with Tay was the result of many things, and that incident won't repeat itself. I could have her, or Hulia, or any number of the loners that I hear outside our borders, but they would not satisfy what I truly want. It's companionship that I want. A partner, an equal."

Kaina

"Very well... I stand corrected." The rumble that took his tones as he defensively insisted that Tay had been his only mistake, at least while Nachi was his mate, made her recant her words softly. Not out of fear, for she truly understood that he would never hurt her, but simply because causing upset in him was the last thing she wanted to do. "And you are right... I did not know Nachi. I am not passing judgment on either you or she, or on Tayzeka for what occurred. I was not involved, and it is not my place to judge when I know nothing of what happened. I said it only to say-" She had to stop then, to compose her thoughts a little better to ensure that what she was saying did not come out as an accusation. Truly, she did not start off to poke at his sore spots to begin with; that was the farthest thing from her true intentions, but she had underestimated just how hot a topic this was for him. Oh, she'd known well enough that it was not going to be a happy discussion... but she hadn't expected quite this level of defense from him. Rather than frighten her though, his anger at being falsely pegged as a serial offender spoke of a person who realized that he was not altogether innocent... and yet was not as guilty as was being charged, and further regretted what had occurred.

And that change was reflected in how her voice got a little softer when she answered him, "I have been your 'companion' these weeks. What you want is something more than that, and we both know it. It's something you've wanted for years and have been searching for without success. I learned that almost as soon as I met you." She had to admit though that 'partner' more closely defined exactly what he wanted, and it hit home with her, striking a blow that could not be seen, but felt. The signs of it were visible in the little droop that took her shoulders, bringing them out of the forbidding stiffness that had kept him seated across from her, up to now, and in the way the soft honey of her eyes slipped behind soft silver lids for a few moments. The soft ears, ever a little large on her face and producing an effect that preserved a little bit of puppish softness in her features, flattened back quietly against her head, planing to the side to express anxiety and uncertainty. "That's true..." She whispered after a moment, and didn't return her glance to him as she said it, as though she felt there were something to fear in his features, or something to be ashamed of in her own. "You could have Tay if you wanted her. Now. She has made it very clear that she would not turn you down. She would make a fine alphess, and your pups would be happy to have their father and mother united. Which brings me inevitably to the question..." She hesitated there, and her paws shuffled anxiously against the ground below them, shuffling aside a leaf that had turned brown and died in the heat. The slight breeze off the lake fluttered the leaf, needing only the instigation of one of her idly-shifting paws to lift it and send it scuttling away an inch or so from the ground. Her eyes opened to watch it, and though she could not keep her focus upon it, she kept her eyes turned that direction to keep him from trying to meet her gaze as she finally asked, "...why, Starscream? With all the choices you have... what could possess you to want a female like me? I am just about the least impressive person I know, and certainly not qualified to protect or rule any pack. What-" She stopped, because she'd been foolish enough to look back at him again, and when she did, her mind faltered. She did love him, and she knew it... she just wasn't sure that this wasn't merely a passing fancy in him. That he would want her for awhile and then tire of her; to look into his eyes as she spoke of these things was more than she could do and remain calm. So she kept her eyes closed as she finished,"-what do you want from me?"

Starscream

Much of Starscream's defensive ire was disarmed once Kaina backed off the subject of his infidelity, and the resulting pups he had failed to take claim for for so many weeks. Long use to arguing with his mother, it was a fresh change of pace to have the argument settled before it had a chance to truly begin, without any bristling or raised voices. A little more quietly, Scream reaffirmed his message, "It was a one time mistake, that's all." He couldn't deny he had an eye and nose for she-wolves, that as much Kaina had observed, but he was adamant that this slip up was not a hallmark of his character.

Once they had gotten past that, and Kaina had allowed her voice to soften, Starscream's temper dissolved further. The tan ears that had subtly tilted out now came forward again, directed towards the fae and her light words. He listened without interruption, and watched as she turned her gaze away and eventually closed her eyes entirely, shying away from what her heart bade her towards. And when she had finished, Scream carefully answered her back, once again showing little in the way of hesitation as he spoke his mind, "Tayzeka is strong, she's a good hunter and a determined wolf. But she's... she's not a match for me." Physically, the beta's sister was a great match, but he could not hold a conversation with her as he could with Kaina. "Hulia has shown no interest, and with Glider's death... I don't know that she would take a new mate." There was also the fact that the wolfess was crippled, and not physically up to the challenge of leadership. Mikomi was gone, and he had not seen Dove or her daughter recently either. For Starscream, the choice had already been made... if only he could find mutual agreement in the speckle-faced female before him. "Strength and size are not everything Kaina, and they certainly don't make the wolf. You're perceptive, intuitive, intelligent... I could go on." Flashing a grin was a little too much after he'd just only been rumbling a moment ago, so he offered the compliment without one as he attempted to ease the conversation back to positive ground. "I want you because, when I'm with you, I feel happy... in a way I haven't in a long time."

Kaina

"...alright. I believe you." Letting that be the end to their debate about his liking for a pretty female, Kaina took his word on the matter and dropped the subject entirely. She still didn't return her gaze to him though, fearful that what she would see there would only make this situation that much harder for her to process sensibly. Her efforts to keep her face blank were mostly shattered by this point, and her expression took its turns freely between trepidation, sorrow, and reservation. That resistance was wearing down quickly, though - his continued denial of interest in any of the other females he could have for himself if only he asked rang of truth to her, even if she couldn't understand how that could be. And when he complimented her, it wasn't a list of the physical attributes of her that he enjoyed; he hadn't even said she was beautiful, and where most females would be offended by that lack, it actually was a profound relief to the small silver fae. The things he'd mentioned where qualities of the mind and soul... things that went beyond physical desire for the closeness of another creature. This knowledge built to a suffocating head in her as he continued on, until she felt she'd drown beneath it... but fbinally, she let out a half-hearted laugh, and turned her gaze to the litter of dirt below her, where grass and a few, stubborn low-growing plants were still clinging to life in the heat. When she found her voice again, it was still whisper-quiet, but seemed to have found some resolve. "...I don't understand... how we got to this place. I was so careful. I tried so hard... not to love you." That marked a definite turning point in the conversation, where her stonewall attempt ended and she acknowledged openly that she shared his desires, that his feelings were returned... and without the distraction of touch and sensation to cloud her judgment. She trembled violently as that truth left her, but it was relief rather than fear; she'd been burying all this so long in order to keep her head and not get herself into a place that she couldn't get out of. Not having to hold it inside anymore gave her the sensation of a prisoner set free, and the sheer realization was what caused the shaking.

Starscream

With her gaze turned from his, Starscream couldn't accurately judge whether she was being truthful in what she said, or merely trying to appease him. She had always been careful to select her words though, so he didn't question the small fae now. He waited, quietly, as she went on to sort through her thoughts and feelings. His tall ears perked at her laugh, and his head tilted just slightly to the side for a moment, until she at last spoke up on a soft tongue. And then he cracked a faint smile, "It's only the natural course of things. You're a smart wolf, but you think too hard about some things." The alpha rose up off his haunches, forgoing the quick shake that would have dislodged the dust now clinging to his pale coat. "You have to let your heart have a say now and then, and you have to trust it. We have instincts for a reason." Daring to cross into personal space, his air of confidence eased by a gentleness not often seen from the hot tempered male, Starscream reached his muzzle forward to run across the top of her forehead.

Kaina

She couldn't see his smile, but she could hear it in the way his voice warmed up, and her ear swiveled toward him when he pushed up to his paws, causing a brush and crackle of the dirt and grass below them. That one ear continued to twitch and move to follow his steps as he moved toward her, even though she never looked up at him, but despite that clear awareness, she never tried to stop him as he drew in and once again applied his snout to her forehead, making her melt against him. After a moment of hesitation, she even returned the gesture, drawing her muzzle from the base of his chest up to the underside of his chin several times, and laughing quietly. "You keep saying that... 'listen to my heart'." She smiled then, indicating that she wasn't unhappy with him or even laughing at his suggestion that she cease analyzing and determine what her feelings were telling her. The way she wiggled until her frame was pressed flush against him proved that without question. "I've spent a lifetime listening to my head instead of my heart... I have found it more reliable and less given to margin of error, and it has served me in keeping myself alive and keeping myself fed. But..." She paused, due to the impulse to draw her tongue over the underside of his chin, which she didn't attempt to resist this time. "...I recognize that the flaw of absolute logic and clear reasoning is that they come at the cost of trust and happiness. And that's not a price I'm willing to pay anymore." She drew back from him then, to offer a more certain smile and the eye contact that she'd avoided til now, and that more than anything showed that her uncertainties had faded now. She maintained that for only a moment or so though before snuggling back in against him and whispering, "Alright Starscream, my heart... I am listening."